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Holding my newborn son on that crisp April day, I thought I knew what kind of mom I would be.  His eyes seemed to say, “You are already the best mom in the whole world.”  I had no idea, years later, I’d become the smoking, raging, lunatic mom standing on cold pavement outside of a bowling alley.

One minute, I was the perfect mom, taking my two- and four-year old boys on a surprise bowling trip. The next minute, I was dragging them outside, amidst cranky tears, screams, and their stubborn refusal to walk.  Embarrassed and frustrated at this latest mini-crisis, I literally threw them in the car, slammed the door and proceeded to search for my coveted cigarettes.   Leaning against the car that day, slowly inhaling, I pretended not to hear the chorus of cries inside my Mitsubishi. I wanted to disappear from my own life.

I deeply loved the Lord, but you couldn’t tell by looking at me. Somewhere between the birth of my first child and that ill-fated bowling trip, my once picture-perfect family became distorted with each blow life dealt, and I became monster mom on wheels. 

Divorced, in custody battles, and trying to escape an abusive ex, I was completely burnt out.  My bi-polar boss, who thought I was after her job, would confront me behind closed doors, throwing one crazy temper tantrum after another. I couldn’t wait to get home and relax with a chilled glass of white wine and a Newport. 

I now know the enemy had his weapon trained on me and my sons like a sniper zeroes in on its next victim. I had never been suicidal in my life, even though I struggled with depression for many years. Now, I was begging my ex to carry out his weekly threat to kill me, so I could escape the hell I was living in. 

I was broken in spirit, body and mind. Too broken to be the stellar mom I thought I would be when those newborn eyes first beamed up at me. My doctor simply prescribed me anti-depressants, and told me I would probably be on them for life.  I thought I finally found joy – in a bottle. My father was an alcoholic and I knew what it meant to live in “recovery.”  But God said: alcoholism is not My plan for you. 

Listening to God’s voice was just the beginning. But that alone was enough to get my attention.

As I look back, I never became the mom I dreamed of, but I am nowhere near the screaming mom at the bowling alley. Perhaps that was a place I had to go in order to slowly move forward to where I am today.

For several years, life continued to be stressful, and in many ways, got worse. This only made me cling to my faith in God and develop a new appreciation for the simple truths in His Word, the Bible. Each scripture that resonated with me was posted where I could see it until it became a part of my thinking. I no longer smoked or turned to things that weakened me. And I stopped allowing drinking to become a pastime.  I had to admit my own imperfections and stop throwing myself a pity party.  I became thankful for where I was, even before my situation improved, because I finally understood things could be much worse.  As I grew stronger, so did my faith, but it was a long journey.

No mom wants others to discover her flaws, but I have to let other moms know how far God brought me. Today, I am a mom of many broken pieces, held together only by the strength of God’s love for me. I am an overcomer. I can put struggles under my feet where they belong, and I can understand and minister to people who are still struggling. 

 Are you the mom you thought you would be? 

The idea that moms are supposed to be perfect is wrong. Sometimes, being a mom is about being imperfect. It’s about going before the Lord with your brokenness, and surrendering enough to be made whole. 

It’s about having faith that God will remove the things in you that are hard and cruel and unforgiving. We have a power bigger than ourselves, and we can choose to put our faith into action anytime, anyplace, anywhere. When we don’t have any fight left in us, we have someone who will take up the fight and win every time. 

It’s because of my imperfections that God showed up in perfect strength.  His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  If you can apply that truth, you are already the best mom in the whole world.